What If

You see this poem kept lurking around in my head for some time. I tried to keep it to myself, but I just can’t. Part of me wanted to stay shut, but I wanted to speak out about it in writing. I do not think that I have the guts to speak about it. The way I feel is just out of this way, but here it goes. Hopefully, I remembered some of it.

What if I told you, the real reason why I decided to get rid of my dreads?

What if I told you, my dreads became dead weight?

What if I told you, I was protecting our family?

What if I told you, I was looking out for everyone else feelings besides my own?

What if I told you, that I blamed myself for it?

What if I told you, I was putting you first before myself.

Would you disown me?

Would you love me the same?

Would you frown upon me?

Would you try to understand?

Would you try to put yourself in my shoes?

Would you try to shame me?

Would you try…..?

Would you believe me?

What if I told you, I was raped by our own?

What if I told you, I was terrified so I did not scream?

What if I told you, that I wanted to kill myself after it happened?

What if I told you, he was the cause of the way I gave you my back?

What if I told you, that I became death?

What if I told you, that I dug my own hole?

What if I told you, that I wanted to run away?

What if I told you, it is the reason I developed trust issues?

What if I told you, it is the reason why I developed so much anger towards you?

What if I told you, it is the reason why I stopped feeling comfortable around you?

What if I told you, it felt weird changing my daughter diaper because of that?

What if I told you, I cannot even touch her how a mother should?

What if I told you, that I am struggling to be a great mother?

What if I told you……?

Would you believe me then?

Would you understand, it is the reason why I am so attached to my child?

Would you understand, that I am my child ears, eyes, and mind?

Would you understand, that I am just looking out for my child?

Would you understand, it is why I did not allow myself to be around you?

Would you understand, it is the reason why I grew hatred towards you?

Would you understand?

You see, I was never this way.

I wanted to say something.

The burning desire to speak up.

The burning desire to let it out.

I did say something.

Nothing was done.

My heart was racing every time.

I became nothing to myself.

I lowered my standards.

I believed no one would want someone like me.

I believed that I was damaged goods.

I tried relationships, but I was afraid.

Struggled for years to find me.

I was lost all over again.

Did not love me anymore.

It took years for me to understand that it was not my fault.

Blamed me for years.

He took everything from me.

Fighting to get my life back.

It was and still is a roller coaster.

Was afraid that I would fall in love.

Was afraid that I would have to speak about my past.

Who would love someone like me?

Until one day,

It all changed.

I fell in love.

I spoke.

He listened.

He stayed.

He helped me over come some of my fears.

He became someone that I never knew that I would find.

He believed my WHAT IF’S.

He understood me.

He.

 

This poem may have been changed up a bit because I did not want to write it down. I guess some parts of me did not heal as yet. Not sure, if it will ever. I just want to be a great mom to my daughter.

Luvs ya

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